Perfect Choices

I have found the silver lining of job searches. So far no job to show for it, but working through lists of sample interview questions has increased my self-awareness and allowed for growth that might not have otherwise happened. One question that appears frequently on these lists is “What is your greatest weakness.” This is supposed to give the interviewers an idea of both your weakness and steps you’ve taken to overcome it. Saying things like “I’m a perfectionist”, or “I work too hard” may be even worse than admitting to alcoholism because those don’t show any depth and can appear dishonest and braggy.

But my greatest weakness actually is related to perfectionism, so this has forced me to spend a lot of time thinking about how to cope with, and talk about, it. For me, perfectionism manifests as a compulsion to be right. That means making the right choices and knowing the right answers. I’m not sure why, but I find it nearly impossible to separate being wrong with the feelings of failure and shame. To protect myself, I will prepare as much as I can before committing to any action or answer. Actually, practicing interview questions is a real example of me trying to be prepared for every possible scenario so that I don’t say something wrong and ruin another opportunity.

This is healthy, in moderation. It is good to be prepared. It is not good to spend so much time preparing that you miss other opportunities. Early in my marriage, I would sometimes spend hours trying to come up with the perfect words to say, but that isn’t what was needed. My wife needed a fluid conversation, not just one or two well-crafted sentences. In writing my dissertation and this blog, I have wasted weeks trying to make perfection where it wasn’t needed. Even things as small as getting a new pair of shoes has stretched over the course of months as I tried to find just the right pair. Looking back, they seem insane, but I also know that they could happen again.

I have gained some control over this by establishing deadlines for myself, hopefully with consequences that also tie into my pride. This lets me gather information to make a decision, but forces me to act in a reasonable amount of time. This is also helping me accept that sometimes there might not be a singular best answer. As one friend recently said “There are wrong choices but there is also more than one right choice.” I don’t always feel as confident, but actively making any choice usually feels better than none, especially in conversations.

Another aspect of this is displayed in The Black Prism by Brent Weeks. An early scene describes a boy floating down a river on his back. The river is slow enough that he can steer himself, but he has decided to let the water direct his path for now. Ahead he sees something that interests him and he has to make a choice quickly. Will he get out here or wait for somewhere else to get out. As the current carries him, he wisely recognizes “No decision was a decision.” By not deciding to get out here, he was deciding to get out later. The same is true for our lives. We can choose to let the river of life guide us, or we can try to steer ourselves against the current. Right or wrong, both are choices.

The truth is that waiting to make the perfect choice can make us miss perfectly good options.